Apropos of Nothing

July 2, 2009

The Fly

Filed under: Humour — aproposofnothing @ 7:08 pm

In the dead of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. It was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular: “Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water, thinking, “Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore, thinking, “Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly and I will eat him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, at which point I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy.”

You think this is enough activity for one bank of one lake? There is more.

A wee mouse down by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the bank of this particular lake around lunch time, “Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear, and the mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly.

The bear grabs the fish.

The hunter shoots the bear.

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.

The cat jumps for the mouse.

The mouse ducks, and

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is probably in danger.

source

June 26, 2009

T-Shirt +5 – “Three Wolf Moon”

Filed under: Newsworthy — aproposofnothing @ 10:18 am

_45803879_3wolfmoonSales of the “Three Wolf Moon Shirt” are
up 2300% after word got out that it was
getting some hilarious customer reviews
on Amazon. Hundreds of reviewers are
vying to be the funniest.

It inspired a song from NY based comedy troupe Dr. Coolsex:

Full story here.

A T-shirt has become one of the most popular items sold by
online retailer Amazon in the past few weeks.

Sales of the kitsch Three Wolf Moon T-shirt shot up 2,300%
after a spate of ironic reviews went viral.

The first review gave the shirt five stars, saying it “Fits my
girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women” but “cannot
see wolves with arms crossed”.

That prompted hundreds of others to post frivolous reviews,
turning the page into an internet phenomenon.

June 10, 2009

Presentation Skills 101

Filed under: Fun Stuff, Humour, MBNSFW — aproposofnothing @ 1:14 am

Parts nsfw.

June 9, 2009

More Groaners

Filed under: Humour — aproposofnothing @ 11:37 pm

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”  The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the raft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate  very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns for his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

The heaviest element known to science

Filed under: Humour — aproposofnothing @ 10:49 pm

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that
would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Can you hear me now?

Filed under: Fun Stuff — aproposofnothing @ 10:34 pm

Dude gets a real live Verizon visit.

June 6, 2009

World’s worst job?

Filed under: Fun Stuff — aproposofnothing @ 11:32 pm

Many would disagree.

Hammertime!

Filed under: Entertainment, Fun Stuff — aproposofnothing @ 11:19 pm

May 21, 2009

Email Alert!

Filed under: Humour — aproposofnothing @ 9:44 pm

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu – ignore it.

It’s just spam.

shamelessly stolen from Theo

May 1, 2009

Letterman on Mork and Mindy

Filed under: Entertainment, Humour — aproposofnothing @ 9:20 pm

He was annoying back then too!  A lot of familiar faces.

 

Don’t mess with an Irish Priest!

Filed under: Humour — aproposofnothing @ 9:02 pm

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station……

The conversation went like this:

 ’Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?’

  ‘And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?’

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ‘Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!’

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment….

Father O’Malley then replied:  ‘Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.’ 

 

via

Another Shovel Ready Project

Filed under: Humour — aproposofnothing @ 8:43 pm

imageswomen-20smell-small

April 19, 2009

Queensryche’s Salute to our troops

Filed under: Entertainment, Newsworthy — aproposofnothing @ 5:42 pm

Queensryche’s new album is called American Soldier, it is a tribute to our troops and was inspired by the lead singer’s father’s experiences in WWII. It is always nice to see our troops honored especially when it’s from someone in an industry not known for it.  Here is the first song from the album, it is titled If I Were King. If the embed is not working, hop over to Military.com to view it here.

I would also like to mention that I just recently heard that the cast and crew of the new Star Trek film went over to Iraq to debut the film with our troops.  And it was far from a publicity stunt as they spemt a lot of time with our troops and were very accessible.

April 16, 2009

Mike Rowe on Work

Filed under: Entertainment, Newsworthy — aproposofnothing @ 8:19 pm

A bit long, but worth it.  From a talk at TED.

Tax Day Tea Party Coverage

Filed under: Newsworthy, Politics — aproposofnothing @ 7:14 am

I try to stay on the lighter side of things, but the coverage, or lack thereof, of the widespread protests yesterday really annoyed me.

IMHO, if you subscribe to a newspaper and it wasn’t on their front page, it may be time to cancel it and look for another paper.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Update: Some linx

http://moelane.com/2009/04/16/probably-the-same-place-where-mine-is-kid/

http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2009/04/15/tea-parties-code-pink-and-the-sickness/

http://pajamasmedia.com/instapundit/76767/

http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2009/04/15/photo-gallery-video-st-louis-tea-party/

http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/dtennapel/2009/04/15/why-i-took-my-family-to-a-tea-party/

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