An Indian walks into a small prairie town cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter, ‘Want coffee.’
The waiter says, ‘Sure, Chief, coming right up.’ He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns…….
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, ‘Want coffee.’
The waiter says ‘Whoa!! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday and what was that all about, anyway?’
The Indian smiles and proudly says, ‘Training for position in U.S. CONGRESS…. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.’
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him."
"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls"
The Aussie said, "Why can’t they fucking play at night?"
The following is an actual question, reportedly given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
Lita Ford (born September 23, 1958) is a rock musician who achieved high popularity during the 1980s.
Ford was born Carmelita Rosanna Ford to a British mother, and a Mexican-American father in London, England. She moved with her family to the United States while still very young, (age 4). She began playing the guitar at age 11. Her vocal range is that of a mezzo-soprano.[1]
In 1976 at the age of 17 she joined the all-female punk rock band The Runaways, for whom she played lead guitar.
After the group folded in 1979, she began a solo career. Her first two albums, Out For Blood and Dancin’ on the Edge were moderately successful. Out For Blood featured the single “Out For Blood”. Her next album Dancin’ on the Edge was even more successful. It featured the single “Fire in my Heart” which reached the top 10 in several countries. The next single “Gotta Let Go” was one of Ford’s biggest hits. It reached number one on the Mainstream Rock charts and number one in England.
Ford toured extensively and made several guest appearances on TV shows for the next four years, but had no releases; a follow-up to Dancin’ on the Edge, titled The Bride Wore Black, was abandoned and never released due to the fact Ford did not like the production of the album and this upset the head of her record label causing Ford to switch from Mercury Records to RCA Records. By the time Ford returned again, the lighter pop-metal she had long favored had broken through to mainstream audiences, which set the stage for her most commercially successful album, 1988’s Lita. With Sharon Osbourne as her manager, and again produced by herself, the album featured four commercial hits, first was the #1 “Kiss Me Deadly”, next #9 “Back to the Cave”, #2 “Close My Eyes Forever”, and #3 “Falling In and Out of Love”. The ballad “Close My Eyes Forever, was a duet with Ozzy Osbourne.
Her next release was called Stilleto. It featured the singles “Hungry” and “Lisa”; which was dedicated to her mother. However this album was not as successful as Dancin’ on the Edge and Lita.
Ford’s next release was Dangerous Curves. Ford’s last release would be with XYZ Records and would be titled Black. It failed to repeat the success of 1991’s Dangerous Curves.
Ford was asked by VH-1 to be in the cast of “The Surreal Life” for its 7th season, in 2007. She declined.
During her solo years, she was an endorsee of B.C. Rich guitars and used Mockingbird and Bich double-neck models.
Ford was married to Chris Holmes (from W.A.S.P.) from June 1990 to July 1991. She has been romantically involved with Nikki Sixx, Rainbow singer Joe Lynn Turner, Black Sabbath’s Tony Iommi, Hurricane / ASIA drummer Jay Schellen, and finally, with successful business man and former bodybuilder Jimmy Tavis of Lostboys, Odin and The Anti Social.
Currently, she is married to Jim Gillette, of the band Nitro. With him she has two sons, with their first son having been born on Jim and Lita’s third wedding anniversary.
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