Apropos of Nothing

October 17, 2007

Buttered Cats

Filed under: Humour — aproposofnothing @ 6:32 pm

Question: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will always drop butter side down. But when you drop a cat it will always land on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped both?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot land on its back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That’s right! You have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can he modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat’s limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships within planetary systems. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats. The one obvious danger, of course, arises if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs. In this case they will instantly plummet. Naturally the cats will land on their feet but this generally doesn’t do them much good, since right after they make their landing several tons of red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.

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