This is pretty funny, it’s Lewis Black and friends talking about blogging.
August 23, 2008
August 21, 2008
Barack Roll’d
No matter your political leanings, you gotta admit that this is brilliant.
In case you didn’t know, the Roll’d part is a reference to this.
The Vacationeers
I ran across a video of these guys and decided to check then out. A very funny comedic group. They did a series of shorts about Google features that are very funny.
Google Maps
Stop and Slow Down
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says: ” Licence and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says: “What for?”
Glasgow cop says: “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Glasgow cop says: “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says: “The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Glasgow cop says: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says,
“Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican..
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are “the seven Dwarfs” they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
“Dopey my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?”
Dopey asks, “Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
“Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe.”
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, “Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?”
The Pope answers, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
“Dopey screwed a penguin!”
“Dopey screwed a penguin!”
August 20, 2008
16 Things it Took Me Years to Learn
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your friends will love you anyway.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
The new Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
August 19, 2008
Buying the Farm
A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, “Those hives are pretty close to the road.”
The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.
The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn’t stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.
The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.
“Oh no,” the farmer thought, “he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!” As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
“No, no, I’m okay I guess,” gasped the naked man. “I have no choice, do I?
I have to pay you double for the farm… but doesn’t that calf have a mother?”
Hauling the Bull
There are two sisters, one is blonde and the other is brunette and
they inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years,
they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard
in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have
$600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The
brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less.
No problem. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I
want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a
bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up and
drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, and then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well,
after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes
that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable’.” The operator shakes his head in disbelief.
“How’s
she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
pick-up and drive out here, to haul that bull back to your farm if you
send her just the word ‘comfortable’?”
The brunette explains, “Very
simple, my sister is a blonde. Comfortable is a big word. She’ll read
it very slowly, com – for – da – bul.” “You see, easy as pie.”
August 4, 2008
Golf Balls
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
“I don’t remember much after that .”
August 3, 2008
Light Posting
if you’ve been wondering why my posting has beeen a bit light lately, it’s because I;ve been playing Age of Conan way too much. For a bit of fun I’ll post this video of a high level character (higher than me) having a bit of fun.
Howdy!
Apropos of Nothing 