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June 29, 2008
June 27, 2008
Friday Night Metal
Lita Ford:
Kiss me Deadly
Close My eyes Forever – with Ozzie
Shot of poison
Lita Ford (born September 23, 1958) is a rock musician who achieved high popularity during the 1980s.
Ford was born Carmelita Rosanna Ford to a British mother, and a Mexican-American father in London, England. She moved with her family to the United States while still very young, (age 4). She began playing the guitar at age 11. Her vocal range is that of a mezzo-soprano.[1]
In 1976 at the age of 17 she joined the all-female punk rock band The Runaways, for whom she played lead guitar.
After the group folded in 1979, she began a solo career. Her first two albums, Out For Blood and Dancin’ on the Edge were moderately successful. Out For Blood featured the single “Out For Blood”. Her next album Dancin’ on the Edge was even more successful. It featured the single “Fire in my Heart” which reached the top 10 in several countries. The next single “Gotta Let Go” was one of Ford’s biggest hits. It reached number one on the Mainstream Rock charts and number one in England.
Ford toured extensively and made several guest appearances on TV shows for the next four years, but had no releases; a follow-up to Dancin’ on the Edge, titled The Bride Wore Black, was abandoned and never released due to the fact Ford did not like the production of the album and this upset the head of her record label causing Ford to switch from Mercury Records to RCA Records. By the time Ford returned again, the lighter pop-metal she had long favored had broken through to mainstream audiences, which set the stage for her most commercially successful album, 1988’s Lita. With Sharon Osbourne as her manager, and again produced by herself, the album featured four commercial hits, first was the #1 “Kiss Me Deadly”, next #9 “Back to the Cave”, #2 “Close My Eyes Forever”, and #3 “Falling In and Out of Love”. The ballad “Close My Eyes Forever, was a duet with Ozzy Osbourne.
Her next release was called Stilleto. It featured the singles “Hungry” and “Lisa”; which was dedicated to her mother. However this album was not as successful as Dancin’ on the Edge and Lita.
Ford’s next release was Dangerous Curves. Ford’s last release would be with XYZ Records and would be titled Black. It failed to repeat the success of 1991’s Dangerous Curves.
Ford was asked by VH-1 to be in the cast of “The Surreal Life” for its 7th season, in 2007. She declined.
During her solo years, she was an endorsee of B.C. Rich guitars and used Mockingbird and Bich double-neck models.
Ford was married to Chris Holmes (from W.A.S.P.) from June 1990 to July 1991. She has been romantically involved with Nikki Sixx, Rainbow singer Joe Lynn Turner, Black Sabbath’s Tony Iommi, Hurricane / ASIA drummer Jay Schellen, and finally, with successful business man and former bodybuilder Jimmy Tavis of Lostboys, Odin and The Anti Social.
Currently, she is married to Jim Gillette, of the band Nitro. With him she has two sons, with their first son having been born on Jim and Lita’s third wedding anniversary.
June 26, 2008
The Anal Optic Nerve
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don’t believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye.
Political Quotes by George Carlin
“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
“Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
“If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”
“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
“These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.”
“Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?”
“I don’t think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.”
“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.”
“The owners of this country know the truth: It’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.'”
“I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don’t vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, ‘If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain,’ but where’s the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote — who did not even leave the house on Election Day — am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.”
June 25, 2008
One night at the old folks home….
It was Entertainment Night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was to appear.
A large crowd had gathered to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
Claude stood in front of his audience and announced,
“Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”
The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to completely concentrate on this watch.
It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations and has special powers.”
He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth, back and forth, while quietly chanting:
“Watch the watch, Watch the watch, Watch the watch .”
Slowly the crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed, the light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“CRAP !”, said the Hypnotist.
….it took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
George Carlin Quotes
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him … is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
Unlikely Words of Wisdom
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh
Time is just nature’s way to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
I don’t have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
A picture is worth a thousand words. But it uses up a thousand times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the earth.. …after we’re through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, It would have been done already
Two can live as cheaply as one … for half as long.
Ham and eggs: A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, If I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
The buck doesn’t even slow down here. So keep on going.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
Jesus loves you It’s everybody else that thinks you’re an ass.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat
Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?
Things that nake you go Hmmm
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”, but it’s only a penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity???
Why does pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham have anyway?
How is it that we put man on the moon, before we figured out that luggage needed wheels?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, it is still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV.?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the refrigerator, and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, how come he can’t fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil from vegetables, what is baby oil made of???
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and twinkle little star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad, but when you take him for a ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Will Rogers Quotes
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
But my favorite that wasn’t included in this list, was Will Roger’s comment about all politicians being comedians at heart. “Now take Congress, for example, every time they make a law, it’s a joke. And every time they tell a joke, it becomes a law.”
Groaners
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
“Dam!”
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why? They asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
— thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …(Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Be Careful What You Wish For
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him and as he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”
” I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays the exact change.
This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man. “Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.” Once again, the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That is brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say. ”
Some of Life’s Little Truths
Men are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
You read about all these terrorists–most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
A ski trip
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack ’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got a n unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ” Bob , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
”And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
June 24, 2008
Preaching to a bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
Howdy!
Apropos of Nothing 