Humorous Observations part 5

1. Sex on TV can’t hurt unless you fall off.
2. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
3. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plough into a parked car.
4. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
5. Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?
6. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
7. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
10. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
11. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.
12. The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
14. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
15. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
16. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
17. We are all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
18. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
19. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
20. When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
21. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
22. Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
23. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
24. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
25. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
26. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

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Humorous Observations part 4

1. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
2. If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!
3. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
4. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
5. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘What the heck happened?’
6. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
7. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
8. It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.
9. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
10. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
11. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
12. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
13. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
14. No one ever says “It’s only a game.” when their team is winning.
15. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
16. Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.
17. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
18. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
19. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
20. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
21. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
22. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
23. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
24. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
25. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

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H/T Theo