May 31, 2008
A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC!
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let’s find out just how clever you really are….
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You’re not very good at this, are you?
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you’ll get the last question right…. ….Maybe.
Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask…
It’s really very simple…. Like you!
May 29, 2008
Of course you do. Everybody does. But how does gasoline compare to other things we buy?
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week’s “Autoweek” magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .
1. – Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
2. – Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
3. – Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
4. – Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
5. – Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
6. – Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
7. – STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
8. – Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
9. – Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
10. – Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
11. – Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
So next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.
“With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
English………..I Love You
Spanish………. Te Amo
French……….. Je T’aime
German………. Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese……. Ai Shite Imasu
Italian………. Ti Amo
Chinese……… Wo Ai Ni
Swedish…….. Jag Alskar Dig
Hawaiian……. Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish…………. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew……… Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian…….. Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian……. Une Te Dua
Finnish……… Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish…….. Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian…… Se Ret Lay
Persian……. Du Stet Daram
Maltese……. Jien Inhobbok
Catalan…… Testimo Molt
& Kentucky………. Nice Chest!
1. California became a state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn’t hold hands.
…”Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued,
“Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression. ”
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body
that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
“Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.
(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen
that writes in zero gravity, upside-down,
on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Your taxes are due again–enjoy paying them.
(2) The American Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .
Why don’t they just give them the Ameican one?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
and it’s worked for over 200 years.
And, they’re not using it anymore.
(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse
is that you cannot post
“Thou Shalt Not Steal,”
“Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”
and “Thou Shall Not Lie”
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself
4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
May 28, 2008
May 27, 2008
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”
The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don’t think he can live with my problems.” So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
And Here’s a related video!
I’ve been bitching about the price of gas here on Long Island a lot lately (filled up today for $4.09), but after reading this article, I feel a smidgen better. $8.73 per gallon in Norway!
NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) — Despite daily headlines bemoaning record gas prices, the U.S. is actually one of the cheaper places to fill up in the world.
Out of 155 countries surveyed, U.S. gas prices were the 45th cheapest, according to a recent study from AIRINC, a research firm that tracks cost of living data.
The difference is staggering. As of late March, U.S. gas prices averaged $3.45 a gallon. That compares to over $8 a gallon across much of Europe.
The U.S. has always fought to keep gas prices low, and the current debate among presidential candidates on how to keep them that way has been fierce.
Most expensive places to buy gas
Rank Country Price/gal 1. Eritrea $9.58 2. Norway $8.73 3. United Kingdom $8.38 4. Netherlands $8.37 5. Monaco $8.31 6. Iceland $8.28 7. Belgium $8.22 8. France $8.07 9. Germany $7.86 10. Portugal $7.84 108. United States $3.45
Read the article here