April 30, 2008
Bush may not rank high as a President, but he has got to be one of the funniest ever. Hot Air has the vids here.
A little over one year ago: (16 months)
1) Consumer confidence stood at a 2 1/2 year high;
2) Regular gasoline sold for $2.19 a gallon;
3) The unemployment rate was 4.5%.
Since voting in a Democratic Congress in 2006 we have seen:
1) Consumer confidence plummet;
2) The cost of regular gasoline soar to over $3.50 a gallon;
3) Unemployment is up to 5% (a 10% increase);
4) American households have seen $2.3 trillion in equity value evaporate
(stock and mutual fund losses);
5) Americans have seen their home equity drop by $1.2 trillion dollars;
6) 1% of American homes are in foreclosure.
America voted for change in 2006, and we got it!
Via the guys at This Goes To 11
“Some dude from Denmark named Lars gave me his perspective on our upcoming Presidential Election:
“We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even
bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer . . . and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman with big tits who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?”
“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”
– George Orwell
April 29, 2008
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer”s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren”t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”
April 27, 2008
I showed this to my dog and he was not impressed. I guess I shouldn’t have thrown that pizza crust out last friday!
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the advent:
(Frank Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…
Judge # 1—! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3—(Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…
Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2—Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…
Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2—A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all of the beer…
Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…
Judge # 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…
Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…
Judge # 1—Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…
Judge # 1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2—Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.
I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…
Judge # 1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?”
Judge # 3—Oh God………
Thank you Jen
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pains for almost 100% of the dieters in a recent University study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
(No kidding, all of the above is true!)
Then of course, too much water may have strange side effects. (more…)
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.