Unable to embed this, but it’s funny.
April 24, 2008
New Weight Loss Plan
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine!!!”
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Decode the Want Ads
“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.
“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.
“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.
“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.
“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.
“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Ten Dollars
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, “No way, ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn’t have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it’s free to watch, let’s at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take you up flying, and if you don’t say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could–heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.
“I’m surprised, why didn’t you say anything?”
“Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Late Night Quotes
A Florida couple were arrested after they got into a fight over hotdogs. Apparently the husband grabbed her hotdog off her plate and she stabbed him with a steak knife, then he pulled a gun on her.
Those must have been really good hotdogs.
– Jay Leno
I was at Starbucks today. I had the new Barack Obama roast.
Have you had this? It tasted kind of bitter.
– Jay Leno
This week in San Diego, a group of openly gay republicans are holding their national convention.
The gay convention is just like the regular convention, except instead of superdelegates, they have super-fabulous-delegates.
– Conan O’Brien
President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show “Deal or No Deal.”
Afterwards Bush said, “I like this show because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions too.”
– Conan O’Brien
Howdy!
Apropos of Nothing 