The cat’s diary…

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …

via

The Idiot Test

Scoring guide:

20 Correct – Genius
17 Correct – Above Normal
15 Correct – Normal
8 Correct – Nincompoop
6 Correct – Moron
3 Correct – Idiot

Questions:

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar’s sister, but the beggar is not the woman’s brother. How come?
5. Why can’t a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10” tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President’s name in 1950?

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Sayings you’d like to see on office inspirational posters

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• We put the “k” in “kwality”
• If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
• Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
• If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
• Plagiarism saves time.
• If at first you don’t succeed – try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• TEAMWORK … means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom, somebody throws me a shovel.
• If at first you don’t succeed… DELEGATE
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• Scum always floats to the top !
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY
• Succeed in spite of management.
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
• We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
• You pretend to work, and we’ll pretend to pay you.
• Two Drink Minimum
• It’s only unethical if you get caught.